Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

A sprinter was shot with a starter's pistol yesterday. Police say it's race related.

Why do they call these a pair of pant's when they are not a pair?

A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.

People are out mountain climbing, and zip-lining, and I'm just happy I got my leg through my underwear without falling over.

Yesterday I tried to catch fog in a jar. I mist.