Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Using the wrong tool during surgery can be heart wrenching.

I am not always a smart-ass. Sometimes I'm asleep.

Remember -- it may be illegal to text and drive... but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50 km/h.

Sometimes I get road rage walking behind people in the grocery store.

I was going to tell a joke about time travel but nobody laughed.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.