Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Posted a life update and my third cousin twice removed commented 'praying for you sweetie' on what was clearly a joke.

I'm not ignoring you. I'm giving you time to reflect on what you just said.

I don't have an attitude. I have a personality you can't handle.

I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

Nothing travels faster than light except your aunt sharing an unverified health article on Facebook.

Marketplace listing: Slightly haunted dresser, $40 OBO. No lowballers, I know what I have.

My mom tags me in every post about vitamins and healthy eating like I asked for a nutritionist.

If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel by now.

I got 47 happy birthday posts on Facebook and zero actual phone calls. Living the dream.

I don't have a bad memory. I just remember things differently than they happened.