Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires exist in space.
The inventor of the heat index has died.
He was 88, but felt like 107.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
I told the doctor that I'd like to do my own stitches.
He said, Suture self.
I told a joke on a zoom meeting and nobody laughed.
Turns out I'm not even remotely funny.
A cigar is just a yoga session with fire.
The economy has changed so much. When I was a kid, I could walk into a store with $1 and walk out with 4 candy bars. Now they have cameras everywhere.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Life is like a bird. It's pretty cute until it craps on your head.