Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

If swimming is good for your shape, explain whales.

I'd tell you to go to hell but I work there and don't want to see you every day.

Another day, another Facebook memory reminding me of the person I used to be

I went to buy camouflage pants but couldn't find any.

A friend said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed and having a staff meeting.

I tried to start a hot air balloon business but it never took off.

I don't always post on Facebook, but when I do, it's probably a picture of food.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.