Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Status: Too lazy to put a status.

My houseplants have started a support group. They meet on the windowsill to discuss my neglect.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

Plot twist: It was me. I was the problem the whole time.

Currently experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per hour.

A man walked into a bar. Ouch.

If swimming is good for your shape, explain whales.

I'd tell you to go to hell but I work there and don't want to see you every day.

Another day, another Facebook memory reminding me of the person I used to be

I went to buy camouflage pants but couldn't find any.