Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don't read it.

I wanted to be a baker, but I never rose to the challenge.

I like my racks big, my butts smoked, and my sauces tangy.

If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.

Negativity infects the brain like weeds taking over a garden.

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

Lost time is never found again.

I bought a push-up bra... it didn't help.
I could still only do about 6.

Caller ID isn't enough for me. I need to know why you're calling.

If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.