Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

My patience is like my data plan. Running dangerously low.

Posting this from the couch, where I have been for 6 hours, on purpose.

Zombies eat brains. Don't worry, you're safe.

I'm not antisocial. I'm selectively social. There's a difference.

I wish I could mute people in real life.

My life feels like a test I didn't study for.

My brain: Go to sleep. Also my brain: Remember that thing from 8 years ago? Let's think about it for 3 hours.

I'm not random. I just have many thoughts. At once. In no order.

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

I clapped because it's finished, not because I liked it.