Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

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I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
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TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
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Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
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Pepsi and Coca Cola can't even be in the same restaurant, and we want World peace?
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Dyslexics untie!
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I'm a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
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RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
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I've decided to sell my vacuum, it was just collecting dust.
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I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
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