Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Posting a status so my relatives know I'm alive without having to call them.

I always arrive late to the office but I make up for it by leaving early.

I share my opinions on Facebook because yelling into the void at home doesn't get enough engagement.

The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary.

If you can't say something nice, say it on Facebook where no one reads past the headline anyway.

I'm not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the tables are bullies, and the wall gets in my way.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I've reached the age where my body is a temple. Ancient, crumbling, and possibly cursed.

My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.

I'm not old. I'm vintage.